Sad Klunk Diary
by MissMoMo1990
Summary: Fanfiction parody of the video "Sad Cat Diary" featuring the ninja kitty Klunk.
1. Chapter 1

Dear Diary,

The orange authority continues to insist that I cuddle with him. During this time, he repeatedly chants that I am a good kitty. I cannot take this smothering much longer. I must escape and soon. Pray for my release.

Dear Diary,

Today I successfully climbed to the top of the refrigerator. My song of triumph must have been mistaken as a cry of distress for the orange authority came and removed me from my perch. I will attempt to repeat the arduous climb as soon as the authorities have vacated the kitchen.

Dear Diary,

In hopes of winning the favor of the head authority, I offered him the rat I hunted and killed this morning. He rejected my sacrifice. Perhaps because it resembles him. I will search for a new gift.

Dear Diary,

There is a large square pillow at the end of the couch which I had claimed as mine. Yet when I lay on it I am promptly shooed off by the authorities. Apparently, I am to be denied even this simple luxury. The cruelty of this prison is endless.

Dear Diary,

The orange authority served me a rare dish of milk. It was not fresh enough for my sensitive pallet. I managed to force down two drinks of it before I had to stop. I considered tipping the dish over in protest, but I simply did not have the energy. I must now go nap for several hours to recover from this traumatizing experience.

Dear Diary,

The purple authority has banished me from his laboratory. He assumed that my act of pushing the glass beaker off of the counter was devious in nature. What he didn't realize is that the beaker was already cracked and I was simply putting it out of its misery by knocking it to the floor. Instead of being thanked I am being punished.

Dear Diary,

I will cease the practice of sleeping on the bathroom rug. When the authorities wander in during the middle of the night, they often neglect to turn on the light and I am promptly tripped over. Clearly, they are concerned for no one's safety but their own. I will need to watch out for myself if I am to survive.

Dear Diary,

The red authority refuses to pet me. My efforts to entice him in to doing so by rubbing on his legs are largely ignored. I do not know what I have done to warrant such harsh treatment from him. As an act of revenge, I will scratch at his punching bag.

Dear Diary,

Today I returned from a long voyage in the sewers. Upon my arrival, the orange authority placed me under arrest and dumped me into a sink full of water to torture me with a procedure he calls a bath. I adhered to my instincts and clawed the authority's arms until he released me. While he is tending to his wounds, I will undo the damage done to my own body by licking my fur dry. This could take several hours.

Dear Diary,

I fell asleep in the middle of my favorite book. The blue authority was not pleased. As it turns out, he was trying to read it and not, as I assumed, holding it open for me. His intentions are never clear. We must work on communication.

Dear Diary,

The shower curtain is no longer safe for climbing. I discovered this halfway through my ascent when it collapsed. Luckily, I managed to escape before the authorities arrived. I may need to hide for several days until the incident is forgotten. I will have to fend for myself.


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Diary,

Despite my pleas, the authorities refuse to leave the bathroom faucet on so that I may have a constant supply of fresh water. Instead, I am forced to drink from a bowl like some common dog. I have been robbed of all dignity.

Dear Diary,

The orange authority presented me with a gift he calls a "cat tree". I know I should be thankful, but the gift I was hoping for the box that the tree came in which has since been thrown away. I am so devastated I can hardly bring myself to look at the tree, let alone play on it.

Dear Diary,

This morning I summoned the courage to explore the depths of a plastic bag that had fallen to the floor. Later as I exited it, my back paw was viciously trapped by the bag's handle. I attempted to flee only for the bag to chase after me. Rather than save me, the authorities howled with laughter. Fortunately, I was able to escape and am currently seeking safety beneath the couch. May the cat goddess Bastet protect me from any more plastic bags.

Dear Diary,

During my daily patrol of the lair, I discovered to my great delight an abandoned ball of yarn. I salvaged it with plans to use it for its intended purpose of entertainment. Yet halfway through unraveling it, the red authority returned to his room and put an end to my fun by disentangling me from the string while claiming it was his all along. I have since been banished from his room. The red authority is, in my opinion, quite selfish.

Dear Diary,

I have religiously followed my daily workout routine which includes running up and the down the hall at 3:00 a.m. I have never had a problem doing so until today when the blue authority opened up his bedroom door and yelled at me to stop. Apparently, my personal health is of no importance to him. I will have to adjust schedule if I am to stay physically fit.

Dear Diary,

Although he is fully aware of my addiction, the orange authority continues to supply me with cat nip. Today he delivered it to me stuffed inside a toy mouse. Regrettably, I accepted it and overindulged in the wonderful drug. I now lie in shame, face down in the carpet, rethinking my life choices. How could I have sunk so low?

Dear Diary,

The head authority maintains a magnificent garden of bamboo. Even though the plant leaves disagree with my stomach, I cannot stop eating them. Hopefully, today will be one of my good days and I will not vomit onto the carpet later.

Dear Diary,

I continue with my effort to establish a better system of communication with the authorities. My latest attempt involved the development of a code transmitted by banging the kitchen cupboard door in a series of short and long signals. Before I could perfect my code, the authorities forcibly removed me from the cupboard. Perhaps I should abandon this endeavor as the authorities seem to be too stupid to learn any language besides their own.

Dear Diary,

Today I learned that it is inappropriate to greet the authorities by stretching out my front paws and displaying my butt to them. To them, this gesture is considered highly insulting. I am not sure I will ever be able learn the social do's and don'ts of their culture. Still, I will try.


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Diary,

I have witnessed on several occasions the red and blue authority growl and swipe at each other to, I assume, display their strength and dominance. In my continued efforts to conform to this underground culture, I have tried to partake in this ritual multiple times. While the red authority has engaged with me, the authors have not. Apparently, my acceptance into their society is not in the foreseeable future.

XXX

Dear Diary,

The authorities have yet to understand that the proper way to ascend to the back of the couch is to jump into their laps, climb onto their shoulders, and then slowly step onto the cushions. Any other method is highly inappropriate. I can only hope that the will come to adopt this practice with time.

XXX

Dear Diary,

There is a curious device located in the bathroom. It appears to be nothing more than rolled tissue paper mounted on the wall next to the toilet. I pawed at it earlier today trying to discover its purpose, and the paper began to unwind. Intrigued and amused, I continued pawing until I was interrupted by the purple authority. Not only was I scolded, but I was shooed from the bathroom as well. Perhaps I am not meant to understand the paper roll.

XXX

Dear Diary,

The orange authority has apparently been stricken with a desire to learn the language of my people. I have been patient with his ludicrous meowing, even encouraging him by responding to his broken messages to help him learn. Today, however, my patience is at an end. Intentional or not, he insulted my mother. It will be a while before I speak with him again.

XXX

Dear Diary,

I am sorry to report that the red authority's human companion has returned once again. This human makes more noise than any other biped I have ever encountered. He is also a complete klutz – a bringer of destruction who has trod upon my tail one time too many. I had no intentions of spending the evening lurking in the rafters, but for my own well being I fear I must. May the night past swiftly.

XXX

Dear Diary,

For some cruel reason, the orange authority has tied a piece of ribbon around my neck in a giant bow. Clearly, he was not aware that this would greatly upset my balance. At present, I am laid out on my side on the cold stone floor, unable to rise to my feet until this ribbon is removed. The orange authority remains oblivious to my suffering. Cat goddess, please have mercy and rescue me.

XXX

Dear Diary,

I have once again cast myself in an ill light with the head authority. I now know that the little pieces of oddly shaped cardboard on the kitchen table that I was cleaning up are not garbage. They are, in fact, components of a giant picture that the head authority was trying to assemble. It is my opinion that he overreacted to this simple misunderstanding. Here I sit, staring at the kitchen door, waiting for my banishment period to end.

XXX

Dear Diary,

Today, I was helping the blue authority make his bed when I was suddenly trapped between a freshly laundered sheet and the mattress. Panicking, I began to run around in search for an exit, but found none. The blue authority was not pleased that he had to rescue me. I am allowed to help him no more.

XXX

Dear Diary,

I hear the orange authority speak often of obtaining another feline. Whether this feline is meant to be my replacement or my companion, I do not know. Either scenario is detestable. I do not do well with change. I pray that the orange authority will change his mind.


	4. Chapter 4

Dear Diary,

I sit before a large black box-like object located in the purple authority's laboratory. It is a strange device whose purpose I am trying to comprehend. The authority feeds it a stack of rectangular paper only for it to spit the paper back out one sheet at a time. In doing so, it makes a great deal of noise which can be quite frightening. Yet the paper it passes always seems to amuse the purple authority. Perhaps there is some hidden code inscribed on the returned paper. I shall continue my investigation of this device and its cryptic messages.

XXX

Dear Diary,

Today I realized that the number of surfaces available for me to lie on are quite lacking. I attempted to correct this injustice by clearing off one of the shelves in the bookcase located inside the blue authority's bedroom. This upset the blue authority who, upon discovering the pile of books I set on the floor, woke me from a nap to scold me and then sent me out into the hall. My potential napping spots are limited once again.

XXX

Dear Diary,

It is said in the stories of my ancestors that cats were once worshipped as gods by bipeds. I am convinced that this is a complete fabrication – a whimsical fantasy of some ancient feline who longed for respect from the two-legged beasts. For if cats were gods we never would have surrendered the power and the authorities would be bowing to me as I walk across the kitchen counter instead of scolding me and forcing me to the floor.

XXX

Dear Diary,

Two hours have passed since I first spotted the fly on the wall. My neck is sore and my eyes are tired from staring up at the horrible winged monster. Still, I will continue to monitor it until such a time that I can capture and destroy it. Insects are pure evil. The red authority is right to fear them.

XXX

Dear Diary,

I have always prided myself on my excellent grooming skills. Yet the one task I cannot master is brushing myself. For this, I must rely on the orange authority. Unfortunately, I have been unable to persuade him to do it for more than ten minutes once a week. I am fairly certain that my rights are being violated and I am looking into my legal options for this matter.

XXX

Dear Diary,

Inside this underground home, there is a dangerous referred to as a laundry basket. Its sole purpose is to lure cats inside its perimeter. Like a magnet I am compelled to jump inside the rounded prison as soon as it is placed on the floor. I am permitted to leave only when the authorities extract me. I must find a way to combat this unknown force and stop it from overpowering me again.

XXX

Dear Diary,

I am often chided by the authorities for taking multiple naps throughout the day. They do not understand that I need the rest in order to have the energy to roam around unguarded at night. I assume that their criticism is a cover for their jealousy at my ability to sleep through almost anything and whenever I please. Still, I will not let their judgment hinder my sleep.

XXX

Dear Diary,

Every morning the red authority feasts upon a large bowl of cereal. Every morning I sit before him on the kitchen table, waiting for him to share that delicious cereal-flavored milk with me. I have tried to ask him for some by pawing at his wrist and meowing. I have even tried reverse psychology in which I pretend that I do not want it. Neither approached has worked. The red authority continues to selfishly drink it all himself. My deprivations only multiple.

XXX

Dear Diary,

I visited the litter box this afternoon and discovered that it had been cleaned for the umpteenth time. I am not sure who or what is responsible for this phenomenon. Suspicion tells me that the authorities are behind it and are somehow profiting from it. This is just one of my many conspiracy theories about the strange creatures controlling me.


	5. Christmas Edition!

Dear Diary,

Today, I observed from the back of the couch as the red authority's human companion and its red-headed mate brought in a large pine tree and set it upright in the middle of the floor. The authorities and the humans then proceeded to decorate the tree with strings of lights and a wide variety of colorful objects in what I assume to be some sort of barbaric ritual. I waited until the tree was left unguarded before I dared to approach it. Imagine my horror upon discovering that the tree had been cut from its roots and stuck inside a decorative pot to slowly die. Outraged, I refused to allow this mockery of death to continue and swore to remove every single object hooked onto the tree branches. No sooner had I started than the blue authority appeared and shooed me away from the tree. It appears I will have to resume my mission under the cover of darkness. Wish me luck.

XXX

Dear Diary,

I decided to protest the blue authority's ironfisted rule by vomiting on his bedsheets. Alas, I found him present in his bedroom at the exact time I wished to perform my misdeed. He was seated on the floor, surrounded by boxes, large sheets of crinkly paper, and miles of ribbon. Truly, it was a cat's playground and I was so overcome with excitement that I could not refrain from dashing underneath the paper, hopping inside of the boxes, or chasing the ribbon. My antics were not amusing to the blue authority and, like so many times in the past, I was promptly kicked out the door. I will, therefore, go ahead with my treasonous act at the first possible opportunity.

XXX

Dear Diary,

This entry is being made from inside the refuge of the cupboard beneath the bathroom sink. I am hiding here to avoid the orange authority who is currently searching for me. He told me earlier that he plans to dress me in a red suit and hat so that I may look like an authority he calls "Santa Claus". It will be a cold day in hell before I wear clothes again. I can hear the orange authority approaching. I will now engage in total silence to remain undetected.

XXX

Dear Diary,

I devised a new tactic for liberating the withering tree of its flashing death shroud. Instead of removing the gaudy ornaments at the bottom first, I would climb to the top and work my way down. Unfortunately, during the execution of my plan, I was interrupted by the purple authority as he was conducting his nightly patrol between the laboratory and the kitchen. How foolish I was to overlook this routine behavior of his. My lesson is learned and I will keep it in mind when planning my next attempt to relieve that suffering pine.

XXX

Dear Diary,

Today, whilst in pursuit of a rather quick spider, I happened upon the red authority. He was too busy to notice his eight-legged foe scuttle past which immediately sparked my curiosity. I abandoned my prey to find out what held the red authority's attention so raptly. Much like his comrade a few days prior, the red authority had a sizable collection of boxes and paper set on the floor before him. He was struggling to wrap the paper around one of the bigger boxes. I was feeling generous and went to offer my assistance only to be soundly rebuffed and swatted at. My help is never appreciated around here. Next time, I shall let the spider terrorize the red authority.

XXX

Dear Diary,

It seems that the red authority finally succeeded in wrapping his box as it recently appeared beneath the pine tree, along with several other similarly wrapped boxes. Some I recognize as having come from the blue authority's room. The temptation to rip apart the paper and find out what's inside these precious boxes is almost too great. I am being watched, however, and cannot come close to the things without being barked at by an authority. Once again, my curiosity is left unsatisfied.

XXX

Dear Diary,

I woke this afternoon to discover that the tree is now guarded by a small train that circles around it non-stop. Even though this train is considerably diminished in size when compared to the ones on the surface world, it is still just as frightening. Each time I approach the tracks I am greeted with a shrill whistle that is not at all pleasant to the ears. The authorities are taking drastic measures to secure their ritualistic tree. I wonder if I will be able to overcome them. For the sake of the tree's dignity, I shall try.

XXX

Dear Diary,

The orange authority has become more intolerable of late. He has taken to singing the same collection of chants over and over again at full volume. At times he will pick me up and force me to dance as he sings. I do not understand this strange practice nor do I understand the meaning behind these chants. Who is this Santa Claus authority and why is he coming to town?

XXX

Dear Diary,

Today, I tired one last ditch effort to alleviate the pine tree. To avoid the ever circling train, I took a running leap, aiming for the topmost branch. My weight proved to be too much for the weakened tree and it toppled over as soon as my paws touched it. This caused a great ruckus that brought the authorities rushing over. They were greatly angered by my action and as punishment I was shut inside the orange authority's room. While I suppose I should be grateful that he at least left me food and water, I cannot help but feel that confinement in this small and messy place is a cruel fate to be handed.

XXX

Dear Diary,

The authorities' two human companions returned today. All seven of them gathered around the tree again, only this time they passed around the papered boxes tucked beneath it. There were many joyous shouts as they ripped the boxes open and pulled out the contents. Not a single box was given to me. My impression that the authorities are horrible selfish creatures has now been set in stone. I pray that I never have to experience unfairness like this ever again.


End file.
